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We’ve all been there in the workplace or just in life where something has come up way cooler than what you’ve actually needed do as an adult today. But you know what else has come up to ruin that come up? That little job thing that’s always getting in the way.

Whether you’ve been on either side of the coin as an employee or a boss, excuses on why you can’t make it to work are the number one way to justify missing a day at the office when it hasn’t been pre approved. But what’s the best excuse to give? We’ve compiled a few that may take a little extra effort in your planning, but the results are astonishing. Miss work when you’d like to 90% of the time, half of the time you try, when using these untested methods of missing work!

  1. “My Poor, Poor Baby”

Have a child? SCORE… THAT’S A FREE GOAL! But, be mindful. This reasoning is the #1 used excuse when employees miss work in the non-existing detailed book called “Excuses to use when missing work,” according to several surveys that we did not conduct.

With that being said, be mindful of throwing your child under the bus… One day they will actually be sick and your boss simply won’t care because you’ve already exhausted this approach for your own self gain when your child wasn’t sick. Therefore, the guilt sets in that you’ve used your child as a pawn and now you risk losing your job over actually needing to take care of them this time around. Sounds pretty bad, js…

  1. “I Just Got Myself Into An Accident… With Myself”

What’s a great alibi? WHEN THERE IS NO WITNESS TO YOU HURTING YOURSELF ON ACCIDENT… Duh! But how far is too far? If you just need a day away from the office, you might want to avoid something as drastic as a car accident and leave it to something more simple such as twisting your ankle in an unbearably painful way or biting your tongue so hard it makes talking impossible to understand as your excuse.

NOTE: The scope of your job matters a lot in this excuses case. For example, impairing your voice by let’s say biting your tongue, allows more of an implication to miss work if you are required to talk all day as part of your job.

  1. “The TMI”

Run out of excuses? Say something completely out of the norm but seems so detailed that there’s no reason it wouldn’t be true. The embarrassing approach with way too much detailed information is always a stepping stool to hooky success!

For example, if you were to tell your boss “Look, this is embarrassing. I wet the bed for the first time in 26 years last night and I’m mortified” or “Hey, I just slipped in the shower trying to grab a phone call which resulted in me slipping,” what would a boss say to that?

Now, if you have a boss that will reply sternly with something along the lines of “Let me see those feet,” you’ve run into what we’d like to call a fork in the road. So, consider all options when thinking of an embarrassing story off the top of your head that might not put you in harm’s way when trying to bail on work.

Can’t think of an embarrassing story to make up on the fly? We recommend telling a story from your past that was super embarrassing. Though you are using this story as an escape from work in the present, you remove the aspect of lying to your boss about what happened to you (at some point in your life). The timeline is irrelevant & your little secret.

  1. “My Teeth! My F*ing Teeth!”

It’s an interesting approach, but not many people who aren’t dentists know much about the human mouth… especially when it comes to teeth. Got a toothache? That’s a bummer. But if you don’t, is there anyone who can really tell you that you don’t? Can the pain be seen? Nope. Can it be pain that lasts a day that you treat with over the counter medicine? Yes. Would you look at that… One free day from the office due to tooth pains!

Please Note: Blindacre in no way, shape or form, is encouraging you to lie or hurt yourself in any manner to miss work. If you do, reconsider your skills in the workplace & if you are actually intellectually capable of the position you are currently in.

  1. “Scared For Yo’ Life”

Now while this isn’t our most recommended excuse, desperate times call for desperate measures. Whether it’s a Friday and you need that 3 day weekend because something last minute has popped up or you want to go watch that splendid competitive dog show tournament a few towns away, it doesn’t matter… What matters is you weren’t prepared in advance for this incredible time and you need to be quick on your feet!

Nothing, and we mean nothing, does a better job at that than letting your boss know “something happened last night and until it gets resolved today or within the next few days, I don’t feel safe leaving my house.” Just… don’t shoot yourself in the foot by posting a smiling selfie with the winning dog at that tournament 😉

DON’T MAKE THE STUPID MISTAKE OF POSTING ON SOCIAL MEDIA. Whether you think your boss follows you or doesn’t, they do.

  1. “Uh, Oh… My Stomach-o!”

Nothing sets you up better in a conversation for getting out of work for a day like some good ol’ fashion “I shouldn’t of tried that new place last night.” Was it chili? Was it spicy? Or maybe it was that new chinese place you talked about with your coworkers a few days ago that you loved but it finally backfired on you. The truth is, it doesn’t matter. Your stomach is killing you and leaving your house is not only a bad idea for yourself, but for all of society. You need alone time to recover from whatever you decided would be a great idea to eat… If you need a little help, check out this blog from (SOURCE) about a bunch of weird foods that sound like they will make you super uncomfortable and sick.

  1. “P.O.S. CAR.”

This strategy takes much more practice and a 100% complete emotional investment as well as putting yourself in a proper environment when making this call. Do yourself a favor and be outside, favorably in a high-volume traffic area, while conducting this steady number seven approach.

Once you’ve arrived at your destination to place your call into work, choose from the following options as your scapegoats:

  1. My engine blew up and now all I smell is something burning
  2. I was helping someone change a tire and threw my back out
  3. Anything involving your power steering or transmission, always a clutch move
  4. I just found aliens… Like, real ones
  5. My mom needed a ride this morning & now I’m stuck at her doctor’s office for another few hours while she gets her gout inspected
  6. My tire blew out… & if they offer to pick you up for work #thatsucks

This approach can also work when running late for the office. Simply rub your hands all over your tires (add markings to face as well for dramatic effect) and do 30 jumping-jacks upon entering the office. No normal human being will ever look down on another person for running into a problem we all face at some point in our lives, a car problem.

  1. “I Just… Can’t Today”

Hey, we’re all human beings and everybody gets this one as long as it isn’t a habit at the place of employment. Sometimes, whether it be personal or job related, enough is enough and just one more day away is what’s needed in order to be okay with ever coming back to the workplace. Mental health is very important and sometimes the brain just shuts off a little longer than the real world would actually like for us to provide.

Most bosses will understand if you’re truthfully a great worker and if they don’t, do what every normal person would do and work for your bosses biggest competitor. We’re just kidding (again, kinda) but that would be pretty funny… js.

  1. “The Mighty House Hunter”

It’s such a proud moment as an adult shopping for your first home or even potentially finding a home to rent for the first time with the man or woman of your dreams… What’s even more fun than that though is absolutely making the entire situation up! Be elaborate, professional, speak of your plans of meeting with a realtor on a scheduled time and have all your details in order. This one can only be used about once a year (if you’re a renter) so make sure it’s worth it. Fake house hunting is a beautiful experience!

The most ironic thing about excuses no matter what they may be is that if you leave no room for questioning, there never usually is. The staff here at Blindacre in no way, shape or form condones lying to your boss but BAM understand that the real world happens and sometimes people have a hard time being transparent in certain situations. We hope this article has been deemed useful to you and if it wasn’t, we hope you had a nice break from actual responsibilities and that this blog has distracted you from them.

Have an amazing excuse we forgot to mention? Feel free to comment below and the best excuse we couldn’t think of will get sent a free cup of coffee via from our staff!